


Jim's Journal

by Shidoni8



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-01
Updated: 2018-01-11
Packaged: 2018-03-09 22:23:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 3,459
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3266525
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shidoni8/pseuds/Shidoni8
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A Journal of things Jim Kirk can't write in the official Captain's Log for Starfleet. It comes to chronicle his growing affection for Spock.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Enemy Within

Captain's Journal  
Stardate 1680.25  
  
I had better begin with an explanation. After the incident with my darker half was resolved and we had beamed Sulu and the others back to the ship, Bones turned to me and asked, "How do you feel?" I tried, in my reply, to encapsulate everything that had been running through my head at the moment, but I guess that wasn't good enough for him. A CMO has to have some training in psychology and Bones put it to good use, insisting I come in for a little counseling after shift. I was surprised when he handed me this little book, though when I think about it it does seem like an idea he would hatch. He wants me to keep a journal in which to talk about personal things. Things which might not belong in a captain's log, but needed to be expressed in some way lest I bottle it up and suffer some kind of meltdown. Not that I'm likely to melt down, but this is a proven form of stress relief, and I can't see any harm in taking the advice of a good friend, and extremely knowledgeable doctor. In any case, I suppose I ought to talk about my feelings now.  
It isn't easy, confronting the idea that you aren't quite the person you thought you were. Imagine literally confronting it! I felt so... helpless without my darker nature, and the thought of that makes me, though I regret having to admit it, scared and a bit ashamed. I keep reminding myself of what Bones said. Something about all humans having their dark sides, and I'm glad to be whole again. I feel, when I consider that point, a little more comfortable with myself and my limits. Perhaps this incident was a blessing in the guise of a curse? And regardless of how I feel now, I wouldn't have been able to get through it without my friends. Without Bones' emotional encouragement and Spock's support in general. When I was plagued by uncertainty and doubt, Spock was my anchor. His advice, loyalty, strength and, of course, logic were of immeasurable value to me recently, and indeed, since I became Captain.  
But before I get too sentimental I ought to finish up this first entry. There is paperwork to be done and sleep to be had.  
Farewell for now Journal,  
Jim Kirk


	2. The Naked Time

Captain's Journal  
Stardate 1705.6  
  
All of this psychological doubt can't be good for my mental health. If you can believe it, this is almost as bad as what happened last week. For a short time, I had the unnamed virus that killed the men on Sy2000, and I said what was, apparently, my true opinion on love, and my ship. I blamed her for my lack of a relationship and bemoaned my ties to duty. Perhaps this is all true in part, but I knew when I signed on that a Captain's lot is lonely in many ways, so this puzzles me less than my frustration at Spock's reaction to the virus. It's understandable that he was raised in a society which completely suppresses emotion, and that his human half would be ashamed of that, but the present is a different matter entirely! I had been thinking, lately, that Spock and I were doing a fair job of working on his emotional frustration without actively having to do so, but now... he apparently feels ashamed of our friendship. I don't know why this is so frustrating to me, but he shouldn't HAVE to hide his emotions from me. In retrospect, slapping him was probably not the best way to express my feelings, but we were going to die, so hopefully he'll understand and I won't feel the need to apologize throughout chess tonight.  
Until next time,  
Jim Kirk


	3. Balance of Terror

Captain's Journal  
Stardate 1710.8  
  
"I'm alright," she said. But really, grief takes more time than that. I know if it had been me who lost a fiancee I would have... but that's not true. We all have duty, as the Romulan Captain said. Mine, to my ship, crew... 24 dead. It's only been a day and a half since my last entry but the burden is back in full force. When will the Universe give us all some well-deserved rest? And Spock most of all. He hasn't been showing much emotion since the incident yesterday, and to be repeatedly accused, discriminated against, by Lt. Stiles. It must have gotten to him, at least a little. But he won't show me, nor anybody else, what he could possibly be feeling. At least we can rest temporarily at ease, having diverted another war. At the cost of 24 humans, and who knows how many Romulans.  
May theirs souls rest,  
Jim Kirk


	4. Squire of Gothos

Captain's Journal  
Stardate 2126.7  
  
Several ship-months since my last entry and I must confess the thought most often occupying my mind is Mr. Spock's emotional progress. He said, not thirty minutes ago, that he should be "delighted!" Chess and normalcy have been restored. Yet I do wonder how Trelane knew to point that gun at Spock, rather than Uhura or any other member of the bridge crew, to get me to play by his rules. Of course I'd never want to see any of them hurt.  
Suffice to say, Journal, I am feeling content and happy.  
Jim


	5. What Are Little Girls Made Of

Captain's Journal  
Stardate 2712.9  
  
It has been a time all great starship captains despise... quite peace, some would say boredom. Today, in a break from the doldrums, we met an android replica of Roger Corby, an old idol of time and former fiancee to Nurse Chapel.  
In any case, that's all tucked away in the official log, so I'll stop repeating myself and get into the juicy stuff.  
Spock _smiled_ today. I know he'd prefer I pretend I didn't see it, but how can I keep from sharing the news here at least. Even if I never again saw that smile, I'd never be able to forget it. It gives me immense satisfaction to see him growing steadily more comfortable in his own half-humanity. And it's been so dull around here that any excuse to express concern for a very good friend is a welcome distraction.  
Farewell for now,  
Jim Kirk


	6. Miri

Captain's Journal  
Stardate 2714.6  
  
I can't quite think of a way I could possibly segue into this so I'll just come right out and say it.  
I admit, I've been flirting with Spock.  
When I was younger this kind of thing used to get me in trouble all the time. I'd accidentally flirt with so-and-so's girlfriend at the Academy and earn myself a sudden fist-fight. I don't necessarily mean to do this, from my point of view I'm just being friendly. And perhaps I wouldn't have noticed until much later had we not been on that Earth-like planet, dying from some sort of puberty related disease. Perhaps, if that strange lilt hadn't come into his voice as he said he wished to... 'return to the ship.' I couldn't have EVER imagined Spock speaking in a 'bedroom voice' until that moment and now... well now I can't really stop imagining it.  
And that moment is what made me realize that, since we've become friends, I've been flirting with my first officer.  
Perhaps I... ought to stop?  
Haha, it's far too much fun to stop. I'll just have to keep it from interfering with business, which (as Carol would bitingly remark) I am quite good at.  
What a week, Journal  
Jim


	7. Dagger of the Mind

Captain's Journal  
Stardate 2715.8  
  
Am I lonely? Am I alone? I believe the answers, for now, are both "no". I wasn't lonely enough to succumb to the advances of Dr. Noel, who I have no interest in aside from that one lonely, moderately drunk Christmas night. And I am certainly not alone. Not while I have my friends, my crew. Bones, Spock, and everyone else.  
Maybe I am a tad lonely, but I knew that was part of the deal going into the 'fleet with the dream to become a starship captain. Not able to "fraternize" much below my rank, and any civilian would be... well I don't know how anyone could live this long away from the one they loved most.  
Jim Kirk


	8. Conscience of the King

Captain's Journal  
Stardate 2818.3  
  
What could I possibly say to convey the atrocity of what Kodos did? It was so long ago, I was only 13, and yet the memories of what happened on Tarsus IV are as vivid as ever. And yet, the man before me today was... well 'Kodos the Executioner' would not be a title I'd pick for him. His daughter, on the other hand... Bones was partially right. I had had some feelings for her when she was a clever and intriguing young woman, ignorant of her father's old crimes... but apparently the sociopathic murderer thing runs in the family.  
I am emotionally exhausted...  
Painful memories will do that to a person.  
Jim Kirk


	9. The Galileo Seven

Captain's Journal  
Stardate 2822.9  
  
This is to be kept absolutely confidential, Journal, because I'm going to tell you a secret. Earlier, on the bridge, I came the closest I've ever been to crying real, honest to goodness, tears of joy. One second, my two best friends in the Universe are probably dead, burned up in the atmosphere or killed by violent natives. The next! Perfectly alright! Had I not had a ship to command I could have jumped for joy. And Spock... what a human thing to do, risking all their fuel like that. Not knowing whether I'd- whether anyone would see. But how could I have ever stopped looking, save for my duties and the frustratingly unobjective Commissioner Ferris. Everything (or nearly so) he said made sense and yet I was so... so close to the pain. How I would be the man I am today without Bones' advice, his persistent (and excellent) medical care and friendship. It's not possible.  
But they're safe, so no more dwelling on the what-ifs. And besides, I have chess with Spock in a few minutes and I have to think up a few new ways to playfully tease him about his humanity.  
Until next time,  
Jim  
P.s. Playful teasing is not the same as flirting, for the record.


	10. Court Martial

Captain's Journal  
Stardate 2950.4  
  
Well, that was a doozy, wasn't it? Accused of murder, malice, etc... and Spock and Bones really stood up for me! Seeing Areel again! Still as beautiful as she is brilliant. And as... immature as it is, I was hoping to get a rise out of somebody, anybody, when I kissed her on the bridge. Bones chose to play it straight, but I could tell he was laughing inside. And Spock showed no reaction at all, going so far as to be looking in the opposite direction. Well it's hardly my fault if he wants to miss out on the spectacle of me making a very human fool of myself. In any case, I'm glad it's all over and that Spock had the stroke of genius he did, playing the computer at chess to prove my innocence. I'm absolutely humbled to have such loyal and intelligent friends and crewmen.  
Jim


	11. Shore Leave

Captain's Journal  
Stardate 3034.6  
  
My body feels well rested from shore leave, but my mind is a little ill at ease. It was particularly embarrassing, mistaking Yeoman Barrows' hands for those of Mr. Spock, especially considering the difference in size and the presence of the bridge crew... and I can't see why I thought Mr. Spock would do such a thing, given his Vulcan dislike for casual touching... but after the embarrassment had passed I found myself feeling frustrated. Why? Because I dislike Yeoman Barrows? No, but then why? And when I was wrestling with the apparition of Finnegan, why did his large, strong hands bring the memory of Spock's hands, or what I thought were Spock's, pressing into my back? In any case, these are only minor questions compared to my main concern.  
Ruth's apparition was beautiful and sweet, just as I had known her all that time ago, and I did have a wonderfully relaxing time with her, swimming and going for strolls. We found a deserted meadow near a clear pool and had planned to make love, though I had some reservations at first due to the fact that this illusion was created for my pleasure alone. She assured me that I need not feel unsettled and we resumed our efforts enthusiastically. I found my thoughts drifting, as they had frequently done since Finnegan's attack, to Mr. Spock and his hands, and when I next blinked, the apparition had changed its form to Spock's! I tried to explain the mistake, that my thoughts had drifted unwillingly, but the Spock apparition, in perfect imitation of his speech patterns and cadence, insisted that this form was what I wanted.  
Now I know that I've been flirting with Spock, and teasing him, but surely I don't want to take him to bed? Perhaps I should endeavor to keep our relations strictly businesslike from now on? After that conversation I was too perplexed to continue my shore leave, much less have sex, and I came right back to the ship. Maybe the Caretaker's mindreading factory of illusions is a little too accurate?  
Jim


	12. Tomorrow is Yesterday

Captain's Journal  
Stardate 3115.7  
  
Time travel seems to have come up twice in one week! First, Lazarus, in his time and trans-universal ship, and now the Enterprise has gone back in time and returned! I'm grateful to Mr. Spock's calculations in seeing us through the second sling shot amazingly unharmed. But, journal, I have to get down to it. It real reason I'm writing to you now.  
Meeting Captain Christopher has reminded me of sensations I have not experienced since academy days and Gary and I...  
Well, I had thought that Gary was the one man I'd ever be attracted to, sexually speaking. I'm not closed minded to the possibility, it had just never happened again. And, for me, sexual attraction and emotional attachment can never be too far apart, so nothing inappropriate would have happened in the short time Captain Christopher was on board. If we had had to bring him with us... into his future, our present...  
Well, I shouldn't dwell on that, the romantic in me needs no additional fanning the flame. While I have a ship to command I will have no time to dream of a partner who would be my soul's mate. Someone for whom I'd give my life, and more, a thousand times over. Someone clever, and caring, and... just resplendent with love...  
In any case, I really should stop flirting on duty, especially with Spock.  
Jim


	13. Devil in the Dark

Jim’s Journal  
Stardate 3196.3  
  
I’m once again amazed by Mr. Spock’s humanity! He was so determined that the creature, the Horta, not be killed, and yet when a friend’s life may be in danger he selfishly, humanly, wants the threat neutralized no matter what, to protect me! And it surprised me that he was adamant about staying by my side, even after I made an excuse to send him back to help Scotty with the circulating pump. Frankly, I was attempting to spare his feelings, for if I had to kill the last of a newly discovered race of silicon beings in front of Spock, even ask him to help do so, and see his look of regret and disappointment, I’d never forgive myself. The universe and its infinite wonders are more intriguing and inspiring to Spock than to anyone else. I wonder why? It is more than his scientific curiosity, it’s an awe and respect of the beauty to be found in nature, science, and evolution. Funnily enough, he’s probably as fascinating to me as the universe’s miracles are to him.  
You’d never guess, but he’s still returning my flirting! I can’t explain my difficulty in keeping our interactions completely professional. The truth is I have no excuse, it’s just too much fun!  
-Jim


	14. City on the Edge of Forever

Captain’s Journal  
Stardate 3272.2  
  
I should recount as much of this as I can, however first I must say I am unbelievably weary and heartbroken.  
Edith Keeler was perhaps the most singular person, the kindest, most optimistic, heartfelt, most uncommonly humane person I’ve ever loved. None of the trials of the last few weeks seem to matter, when all of it was doomed to make me feel such a spark of kindred spirit, only to be forced to orchestrate her death.  
When Spock and I met her, she was immediately curious, wary, but not fearful or suspicious. As the long days of work at the mission blurred into long nights of trying to sleep on the hard floor of our flop while Spock finessed the memory projector, the only thing that kept me from feeling frustrated and hopeless was her company.  
I was content at first with the necessity of manipulating, charming her so that Spock and I could steal those tools, and the ends did justify it, even if she couldn’t have understood why.  
But why, of all the people in the universe who’ve ever lived, why did it have to be her? Why did she have to die?  
Obviously to save millions of lives, and ensure the continuation of our timeline… Obviously the ends… do justify the means.  
I suppose the real question is why did I have to fall in love with her. But as it was, she was irresistible. I’ve rarely felt that compelled by someone, their very soul… the way we speak the same language, absolute connection. It was everything I’ve longed for and now… I’ve lost it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay friends, let me tell you a thing. I was excited about doing the journal for this ep, because it's pretty intense, shippily. However, poor Jim is SO sad about Edith, that's literally all he could think of. He never even noticed how JELLY Spock was getting over it all, and never made flirty jokes about how they wouldn't have a place to SLEEP when the projector thing started spilling over onto one of the beds in their flop. FORREAL. So this chapter, of all of them, convinced me I HAVE to do a Spock POV journal after I'm done with Kirk's, because it's going to start getting real intense right around now. ;) The wink is my way of saying... AMOK TIME is coming up next! woooooooooOOOOOooooooooooOOooooO!


	15. Operation: Annihilate!

Captain's Journal  
Stardate 3291.7  
  
So much death...  
Even now my instinct is to suppress my grief to make it possible to continue carrying out my duties. But the Denevan colony is safe now, and Mr. Spock is back to normal, so I should use this journal to its full intent and let myself grieve my brother and Aurelan.  
I can't imagine how Peter will come to understand all of this. He's a strong boy, but losing your entire family... Well, he'll stay with my parents on Earth for a little while and I know they'll take good care of him.  
Even though all was well in the end, I'm not sure I could have readily forgiven myself for being so rash as to test the treatment on Spock before we understood the consequences. But even worse would have been to lose him so soon after the loss of Sam.  
Spock did everything he could to save the Denevan colony, he was with me for every horrible moment.  
Perhaps the one good thing to come out of the trouble leading up the curing the colony is in my realizing that Spock is the closest thing I have to a brother now.  
My affection for him, though it would never interfere with my duty, is deep and boundless.  
Captain James T. Kirk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I lied, this one comes first, then Amok Time, but it IS next now! This one was better than I'd hoped, because thematically it keeps bringing Jim and Spock closer together, this time not as friends, but as brothers, and we all know what the next part of t'hy'la is. *wink*


	16. Amok Time

Captain's Journal  
Stardate 3384.1  
  
Well, Journal, once again Spock's life was in peril, bringing me face to face with the truth. I owe him my life- much more than my Starfleet commission, and I told Bones as much - he's the only one I ever would tell.  
But this revelation isn't even the most shocking of the past few days, no... I'm almost embarrassed to admit it, to the point that I feel like a schoolboy as I put pen to paper. I must eat my words, because nearly three months ago I said I didn't want to take Spock to bed and now that I've felt his body pressed against mine, his hands burning hotter on my skin than the sands of Vulcan under my back...  
Rough play has never been up my alley, but the power, the danger I saw in him was surprisingly arousing.  
Looking into his eyes again back in sickbay, I must have been redder than an Engineering uniform shirt.  
But his joy was enough to distract me from the vivid sensory memories that kept replaying in my mind.  
Now, I have to keep my head about this- I can't let my sexual attraction for Mr. Spock get in the way of duty, or worse, our great friendship and brotherhood.  
As for the future... let's just say I'm thankful that Spock no longer has a wife, but I cannot allow myself to make any plans, nor be swept away. I've been able to control the flirting during chess games, so I can certainly control a sexual attraction, and in time it may die down or... if not, then I _will_ begin to get ideas.  
  
What a day it's been!  
Jim


End file.
